Matthew·Jordan

matthew-jordan — a human being, built from source, no binary available

matthew-jordan [--coffee=n] [--curious] [--no-meetings] [-v] problem ...

Takes one interesting problem as input and returns either a solution or a significantly longer list of questions. Both outcomes are considered a success.

Reads documentation. Occasionally before breaking things. Believes that any sufficiently annoying manual task is indistinguishable from a to-do item, and that the correct response to a to-do item is a small script nobody asked for.

Runs continuously in the background. Wakes on curiosity, mechanical keyboards, the phrase "that's weird," and the smell of a fresh terminal.

--coffee=n

Sets caffeine level. Values above 3 unlock unsolicited opinions about tabs and spaces.

--curious

Enabled by default. Cannot be disabled. Several people have tried.

--no-meetings

Reserves a contiguous block of hours. Side effect: things actually get finished.

-v, --verbose

Explains the whole rabbit hole, including the part nobody asked about. Recommended.

--just-one-more-thing

Extends any session by an unspecified duration. Duration is never one thing.

• 0It worked. Nobody knows exactly why.
• 1Needs a snack.
• 7Explained the bug out loud and immediately found it.
• 42Answer located. Question misplaced.
• 418Is a teapot. Has made peace with this.

TABS_OPEN

Currently 63. All of them essential. Do not touch.

DARK_MODE

Always 1. Light mode is a rumour spread by daylight.

SIDE_PROJECTS

Unbounded. Garbage collection has been disabled since 2014.

Will spend four hours automating a task that takes six minutes, then call it a good day. This is documented behaviour and will not be patched.

Cannot walk past an unlabeled cable. Cannot leave a TODO alone. Cannot say "quick question" and mean it.

Report bugs upstream. Upstream is asleep.

curiosity(3), rubber-duck(6), sleep(1), git-blame(1), touch-grass(8), fortune(6)